I tried thinking it through, but the more I think and brood over it, I become colder, harsher, and immune to the world outside me. Perhaps this is the process of growing up and experiencing the harsh realities in life. Still, I feel so tired dealing with all the hypocrisy around me that I just wish that everyone can be cleansed and be in a sense, pure again. But I guess this is impossible because we, as humans, have flaws. And sometimes these flaws, they are tough to erase, you know.

As I find myself sinking further from ZAFT and closer to the Earth Forces, I discovered that wow, why have I deprived myself of benefits that I had never realized that I should have had in the first place? Like they all say, "The grass is always greener on the other side". And thus the isolation from ZAFT. ZAFT, is not normal, but neither is it abnormal. It's just an individualistic concept which serves in its own interest. That's all. But my fate was to be with ZAFT at the beginning, so I resigned myself to such a fate until the intervention of the Earth Forces. But as I get closer to the Earth Forces, sometimes I find myself even hating on ZAFT for being what it is. This is akin to the fact that the Earth Forces refer to Kira as a traitor to his own kind - Coordinators - so does that make me similar to Kira?

Yet being closer to the Earth Forces has allowed me to discover new things which I never would have if I had remained with ZAFT, but I get scared of gaining such knowledge - because knowing makes me realize that there is hypocrisy out there, and I hate hate hate having to be alert at all times - even in my own home, the place where I seek solace in. And then I will think back, to all the times, even cheery ones, I had with ZAFT and that will make me feel so sick so disgusted about how I was contented with such treatment in the first place.

So right now, I'm like Kira - I just want to get further away from both ZAFT and the Earth Forces, because having such existences nearby can cause one to shift away from the right path.